Top 20 Jon Stewart Jokes

20. The Christian Right
“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?”

19. On Bush
Jon Stewart: “Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for - the official halfway point of the Bush presidency.”
President Bush: “I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…”
Stewart: “At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore.”

18. On Bush (again)
“You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.”

17. On journalism
“Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.”

16. On the Republican party
“Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.”

15. On John McCain’s medical records
“Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000
pages of medical records.”

14. On an historic election
“Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”

13. On Bjork’s absence from the Oscars
“I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”

12. On the Republican party
“This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was unarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behaviour. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina.”

11. On the US’ international standing
“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

10. On Thanksgiving
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

9. On the commercial breaks during the Oscars
“In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.”

8. On Canada
“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in two days.”

7. On Timothy McVeigh
“Timothy McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”

6. On Amazon
“Do you guys have to sell everything? I’d like to buy the Earth’s core.”

5. On rival presenters, 2004
With reference to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala: “They said I wasn’t being funny. And I said to them, ‘I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow’.”

4. On Liza Minnelli and David Gest, 2003
“I don’t know how it didn’t work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.”

3. On Arnie
“Critics noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where [his] only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.”

2. On Ronald Reagan’s funeral
“I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we’re not getting that.”

1. On Iraq
“We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.”

Original article here.